I logged into LJ today.
I hate how real and raw and emotional everything in my past was. How everything was such a roller coaster for me. That in memory, it feels like a dark dream shrouded in distant cries. I read a lot of old friends and acquaintances past posts. I suppose the majority all fell off of the wagon when I did. I kind of miss feeling comfortable enough to share as much as I did and vice verse on mutual friends. I hate the thought of putting things like I used to online. I don’t get very personal anymore which is a shame because my style of writing, spelling, grammar, and punctuation are better than ever.
I’m also just not in as dark of a place. I’m more comfortable with where I’m going and who is in my life.
I wish some things had never changed. I’m glad others did. I miss all of the people I don’t talk to anymore. But knowing when to be away from someone is a lesson learned with personal growth.
Everything has changed. I feel like I’m on a whole different planet. I wish Pez would move down here already. I want someone like her in my life on a day to day basis. Someone that knows where I’m at; that’s on my level.
Someone that can travel with me. That brings out the best in me. I am ready to trust another human to try to have a “best friend” again.
Why couldn’t I have known back then what I know now? Why couldn’t I have been more poised and in-control, set blatant personal boundaries, know my limits, apologize and listen more, just plain handle my soul better.
No one will ever be “perfect” and I am still nowhere near it. But I love myself more. I don’t feel as angsty or sad. I just still feel like something’s missing.
Thanks everyone who has been keeping up with me thus far.
I am sorry to announce that between my fucking crazy ex, some choice fanboy stalkers, and now who ever is stealing my identity to make a bunch of bogus dating profiles I've decided to gut the internet. I am taking all of my photo hosting sites down, all of my social network sites, message board profiles and pretty much everything I can think of off of the internet. I will run everything through one website.
I will still have the pages but they will all be updated through one site. Anyone that gives a fudge about what's going on with me can find me through said sites.
And my E-mail "Ichigo_babe@hotmail.com"
I have been gaining massive popularity and it's getting out of control. I hate to use the term "fans" but I am now having to draw the line between "fans" and people I consider personal friends.
Thanks everyone who has been keeping up with me thus far.
I have no idea how to tell the guy. I know I have to be mature and get it out there. He seems so sweet and he seems genuinely interested. Then again, they all do. I want to look him in the eye and say "do you really care or do you just want to fuck me?"
Because they usually just want to fuck me.
I don't want to go through all that again.
The weight of a hundred lies hold me down every time I want to give someone a chance. "I'll never replace you, I'll never abandon you. Why would I lie to you?"
I can tell this man isn't over his ex. My lot in life to be chased by broken hearts holding me to standards that women I don't know placed for them. Suprficial feelings they make for me to wither away while watching them actively close up out of fear. A fear I've avoided to just keep trying again. Get over your fragile pathetic hearts.
I am so afraid.
It gets harder every time.
Cheer for me. Cheer that maybe I'll find what I'm looking for. That I won't be used or hurt... but that every kiss and promise will be real.
Does it ever stop hurting? My chest. Mind. Soul.
Why does everyone have to take everything away and strip me to my core?
All I'll ever have is music.
Mikey and I got into an argument. He screamed at me, I left, he then hacked every single internet site I've ever made. Every E-mail I've ever had, etc. He changed every single password. I am back in several of my accounts and am trying to handle this as best I can.
If anyone get's any questionable E-mails from me. I am sorry. He then took the time to Remind me how I am becoming fat, my looks are withering, I am completely replaceable as a friend or lover, and that I am a disgusting and disappointing human being.
I deserve every thing I get from men. I deserve the slander and verbal abuse because I let it happen. I have always had the hardest time walking away and it usually comes to this.
This is all just a big wad of fuck-my-life.
It made me wake up feeling awful and groggy. I don't even want to talk about them really.
I spent the better part of my day(while I wasn't studying) being an emotional masochist. Picking at scabs on my heart is a bad habit.
I'm just so lonely I feel like I am being suffocated by it. I love conventions. I love the presents and fans and all things shiny. I hate that I always have this lagging post feeling of being constantly manhandled.
Making Beer Muffins tonight. Going to try to not self-loathe.
How do you tell if you are a rebound or not?!
I have a million mixed feelings. Timing is so awkward. My luck is so bad. So many odds against me.
My heart is barely unbroken.
At least I passed my Speech midterm with a fantastic grade.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a stepping stone.
I'm so lonely.
I think I am going to make a new LJ and delete this one. In-fact... I think I may just make a sock puppet account. I have found it is more therapeutic to blog under alias's on other blogging forums. Or I may let LJ go and finally sink it into the abyss to become that of a sock puppet account. I dunno yet. I am just getting to a weirder than ever point in my life where I don't want to share anything with anyone.
Or maybe I'll puss out and just continue as usual. I don't know.
Nothing in life seems to be healing or moving forward as I had hoped in moving and going back to college. I feel like I am trapped in quicksand.
It's not that I am unhappy. I am about as happy as always. I just feel trapped. I also listen to too much depressing music.
"It seems the love I've known,
has always been the most destructive kind.
I guess that's why now,
I feel so old before my time."
The thousand dreams I dreamed, the splendid things I planned,
I always built, alas, on weak and shifting sand,
I lived by night, and shunned the naked light of day,
And only now, I see, how the years ran away
Yesterday, when I was young,
So many happy songs were waiting to be sung,
So many wild pleasures lay in store for me,
And so much pain, my dazzled eyes refused to see
I ran so fast that time, and youth at last ran out,
I never stopped to think, what life, was all about,
And every conversation, I can now recall,
Concerned itself with me, and nothing else at all~
(Roy Clark sang this song at Mickey Mantle's funeral in 1995. Mickey had heard Roy sing it before and thought it depicted his life so well that he specifically asked Roy to someday sing it at his funeral.Original French Lyric and Music by Charles Aznavour)
Maybe it's PMS. Maybe I am just upset that the universe never granted me a single wish. Maybe I am just waiting for that sign.